


The rain keeps falling (please help me stay standing)

by sugarandspace



Series: Post 3x10 fics (written before 3x11) [4]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Communication, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hopeful Ending, Identity Issues, Insecure Magnus Bane, M/M, Post-Episode: s03e10 Erchomai, Supportive Alec Lightwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-09-24 10:13:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17098682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugarandspace/pseuds/sugarandspace
Summary: Magnus feels the words ‘I’m fine’ weigh heavy on his tongue, but he remembers their words to each other in this very same loft all those weeks ago, same words that were echoed again outside Hunter’s Moon when everyone else was celebrating inside. He remembers his own promise not too long ago in the very same bar, the promise of communication.-.-.-In which Magnus has an identity crisis, Alec is there for him, and reminds Magnus of his worth





	The rain keeps falling (please help me stay standing)

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact, I tend to avoid reading post 3x10 fics because the situation is so tragic. I could probably count the fics I've read with my fingers :D
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> [A translation to Chinese can be found here! :)](http://natanx.lofter.com/post/1ffe76d7_12d1ff9d3)

Magnus wakes up to the sound of thunder. Which isn’t surprising, since the last couple of weeks his nights have been restless, his rest light and easily disturbed. 

He’s not yet used to feeling so… empty, like he’s half of what he used to be with his magic. Sometimes he gets these phantom feelings of power in his fingertips, and it’s both reminiscent and cruel at the same time. 

But the worst are his dreams. The dreams where he still has his powers, where he didn’t give them to his father. In those dreams he gets ready in a snap of his fingers, summons food for him and Alec with a simple flick of his wrist. He hops from place to place with a portal. 

All those are things that take a lot more time now, with his magic gone.

In his dreams he feels useful, doing things for himself and Alec in the loft, as well as helping both his Shadowhunter and Downworlder friends with whatever problems have come their way this time. He hasn’t stopped helping them in real life either, but all he has now is his vast knowledge of things and a wide range of fighting skills. Both good assets but nothing compared to how things used to be.

Magnus is broken from his spiraling thoughts by another flash of lightning, quickly followed by a loud rumble. He sits up slowly, running his hands over his face to ground himself. He breathes deeply and looks to his left, seeing the lump that is Alexander. 

The room is dark and Magnus can only see the shape of his boyfriend, but as another lightning illuminates the room, he gets a better look at him. 

Alexander is laying on his back, black runes contrasting with the skin that looks pale in the cold light. The sheet has fallen to rest just under his ribs, and in the brief flash of light Magnus can see the still healing wound on his chest.

How could he not, when it seems like his eyes are always drawn to it.

He came so close to losing Alexander, and that thought hurts more than the absence of his magic. Although the two are barely compareable, the pain igniting in different parts of Magnus’ heart and soul. 

Deep down he knows he can survive the situation he’s in. He knows it just takes a little time to get used to it. To let the hurt of losing what was such an important part of him dissipate. To fade to the background, because he knows the feeling can never completely go away. Part of his very being was stripped from him, and he has to learn what it means. What will he be now, when he’s no longer a warlock?

He can survive this, because he knows that he did the right thing. His magic wasn’t taken from him, he gave it willingly, and he would do it again to get the help he needed from his father. It’s hell of a lot better option than what his father first suggested - staying in Edom and being controlled by him once again. 

But losing Alec? Magnus can’t even fully imagine what it would have felt like. He got a taste of the feeling that night, when he had to watch his boyfriend lay on the cold ground with an arrow sticking out of his chest, piercing the heart that Alec has so trustingly handed to him. Magnus was forced to just kneel there, helpless to do anything. That moment in itself had felt like someone was forcibly removing his own heart from his chest with a dull blade.

He’s not sure he would have survived that loss.

As quietly as he can, Magnus gets out of bed and puts on a robe. He knows that sleep is very unlikely, and therefore there’s no point in staying in bed where he might wake up his boyfriend. Perhaps he’ll try again later. He doesn’t want Alec to know that he’s not sleeping.

Alec worries, it’s so obvious he does. They don’t talk about it, but his boyfriend’s tendency to bear guilt for things that aren’t his fault has been on overdrive the past couple days. Guilt for letting Magnus go to Edom? Guilt for the fact that in the end he’s the main reason Magnus went as far as he did? Guilt for not knowing how to fix the situation? 

Magnus doesn’t know. 

But he does know that he doesn’t blame Alexander for anything.  

Magnus doesn’t bother with the lights, the occasional lightnings and the city lights outside giving the loft enough light so that Magnus can navigate his way to the kitchen.

He fixes himself a cup of tea, craving the comfort and the relaxing effect of a warm drink. As he’s done with his cup, he picks it up and walks to the tall windows, sitting to a large armchair next to them. He angles the chair to get a better view of the storm still raging outside. 

It’s raining heavily, the drops pelting against the windows and drowning the otherwise quiet loft with noise. But despite the violent way it comes down, the rain has always been able to calm Magnus down. He cradles his cup closer to his face, inhaling the warm steam. The tea is too hot to drink yet, but the warm drink is only half of the benefits brought by holding a warm cup in his hands.

Magnus draws his legs up to the chair as well, curled up like a cat as he keeps his eyes cast outside. Magnus has always loved storm watching, finding the nature’s display of destructive power both intriguing and beautiful.

Deep down he understands why.

Now, as he watches the white light draw its lines across the skyline, he thinks back to when he was able to create lines much like that from his very own fingertips. Red lightnings of attacking magic, blue lines of protection. As beautiful as the lightnings in the sky.

He stays there watching the storm rage on, lost in his thoughts. The tea cools down, and time passes until his mug is empty, placed on the floor next to the armchair. The storm is moving further away, but he doesn’t feel like moving just yet.

“What are you doing up?” 

The sudden voice from behind him startles Magnus at first, but as his brain picks up on the familiar tone, he relaxes easily. He turns to look at his side where Alexander is standing now, his eyes barely open and hair a mess. He’s shirtless, wearing only a pair of sweatpants that rest low on his hips. Magnus puts all his effort into not looking at the scar on Alec’s chest, keeping his eyes locked to Alec’s.

“I woke up and you weren’t there,” Alec continues as Magnus doesn’t reply. “Is everything okay?”

Alec places his hand on Magnus’ shoulder, doing it with such care that makes Magnus feel defenceless. The hand feels heavy on Magnus’ shoulder, but the weight is welcome, an anchoring force in a storm Magnus has raging in his mind.

Magnus lifts his own hand to cover Alec’s, to keep him there and to let him know that the comfort is welcome.

Magnus feels the words ‘I’m fine’ weigh heavy on his tongue, but he remembers their words to each other in this very same loft all those weeks ago, same words that were echoed again outside Hunter’s Moon when everyone else was celebrating inside. He remembers his own promise not too long ago in the very same bar, the promise of communication.

“I miss my magic.”

Magnus says the words quietly, like it’s a secret he doesn’t dare say any louder, but it’s obvious the words reach Alec’s ears even as another low rumble of thunder follows the confession. It’s clear by the look on Alec’s face, so honest in its emotions and not hiding anything. Not the guilt, the sadness, the care nor the love. It’s all in there and Magnus has to look away, because the look makes him feel about a foot tall.

“I know that I can’t even begin to understand how you feel,” Alec starts, and Magnus keeps his eyes on the window, the raindrops racing on the glass. “But I’m happy you’re talking about it.”  

“I just feel so… weak,” Magnus says, and the admission hurts his pride more than it hurts anywhere else. “I’m not used to feeling so powerless all the time.” 

“The power isn’t all about your ability to cast spells and brew potions,” Alec says easily. “You are still well known in the Shadow World, respected, even. You have allies and connections all over the word. You might not have your magic anymore, but it doesn’t make you powerless. You are Magnus Bane.”

Alec says his name like it means something, but Magnus isn’t sure what.

“Not Magnus Bane, the High Warlock of Brooklyn. Not even Magnus Bane, a warlock, anymore,” he mutters.

“Maybe not,” Alec says, and Magnus shouldn’t be affected by the bluntness of the words, especially when they are said so very softly. “But you are so much more than your magic, I don’t want you to forget that.”

Magnus looks at Alec, watching him kneel beside the chair so that his face is level with Magnus’. Magnus takes the hand still on his shoulder and kisses the back of it, trying to show his gratitude for the faith Alec seems to have in him in other ways, when his words fail him and can’t make their way through Magnus’ suddenly tight throat. 

“Your magic meant a lot to you, and I understand that,” Alec starts. “And I’m sorry you lost it.”

Magnus is going to interrupt him, to say that Alec has nothing to be sorry for, like he’s done so many times before, but Alec stops him before he gets a word out of his mouth.

“I’m sorry,” he repeats, the look in his eyes warning Magnus not to argue. Magnus relents and nods, because even though there’s not a bone in his body that blames Alec for any of this, he knows that Alec himself does. So if apology is something Alec needs, Magnus will accept one.

“And I want you to know that I’m not going to just settle for the situation being what it is. I mean we did just send the Mother of all Demons back where she belongs, I think not all hope is lost when it comes to trying to get your powers back.”

Magnus’ eyes widen at that, the hand that is still holding Alec’s tightening its hold. He had thought of it, of course he had, but it would take a lot more than a used-to-be-warlock to accomplish something like that. He’s not one to ask for help, especially when it would mean going against his father.

“It’s too big of a risk,” Magnus says quietly, his eyes holding Alec’s. “I couldn’t ask that from anyone.”

“Helping Clary find out more about the demon that turned out to be Lilith was a risk. Going against Lorenzo was a risk. Going to Edom was a risk. Making a deal with a greater demon was a risk,” Alec lists on. “You’re so willing to risk yourself for others, why can’t you accept the same from those who are willing to do it for you?”

Magnus almost replies, until he realises that Alec probably doesn’t want to hear that reply. And then he realises that Alec already knows. 

“Everyone is so grateful for what you did, Magnus.” Alec continues gently. “For what you do every time. They want to help. And they know that it’s not an easy task but that’s not enough for them to give up. Because they know that you wouldn’t give up if they needed you.”

Magnus can’t stand the distance anymore, standing up and waiting for Alec to do the same before wrapping him in a tight hug, burying his face into Alec’s shoulder. When he speaks, his voice sounds strained, his words heavy with emotion. 

“I’m so happy I have you.”

His words mean many things. I’m happy you gave us a chance, I’m happy you love me, I’m happy you’re alive. I’m happy you found me tonight.

Because even though the situation hasn’t changed, Magnus feels nothing like he did when he first woke up. The art of communication is still something he needs to work on, but if this is the result he’s definitely encouraged to do so. 

He feels lighter now, like a part of his burden has been set down from his shoulders. The air between them feels clearer, more easier to breath and see through, because they know what the other is thinking and there’s no need to assume and worry. Everything is not okay, but the things between them are. 

“You’ll always have me,” Alec replies.

And when they eventually go back to bed, Magnus sleeps the rest of the night peacefully. 

**Author's Note:**

> I just realised that this is the third heavy fic I've posted in a row,,, I will (hopefully) post something 100x fluffier on 24th!
> 
>  
> 
> [You can find me from tumblr!](https://www.sugarandspace.tumblr.com)


End file.
